If you can’t give bad advice, what’s the point of giving any advice at all?

Daughter Becky has a friend who is on her way to Paris for a semester abroad.  On Facebook, she was tasked with drafting a “bucket list” of things her friend had to do while she was there.  Perhaps foolishly, she asked me for advice on the list.  Herewith, my twenty suggestions, none of which were used.

1. Get in a situation that requires you be rescued by Liam Neeson.
2. Tip over the Eiffel Tower.
3. Visit Cannes. (The only genuine suggestion here.)
4. Smother an elderly woman with a beret.
5. Go to a nice restaurant and order french fries and french toast, loudly and with great confidence.
6. Assault a gendarme with a baguette.
7. Stalk Jean Reno.
8. Find a polite Frenchman.
9. Send me Laetitia Casta.
10. Hand out deodorant to random strangers.
11. Check out the Mona Lisa and complain that you liked the 3D version better.  (Bonus: wear 3D glasses while looking at it.)
12. When you get off the plane, shout, “dammit, I was supposed to be going to Paris Texas!”
13. Find a bidet in a public restroom. Wash your hands in it when someone’s looking. (Optional: pretend it’s a drinking fountain.)
14. When people speak French to you, step back and look down. When they ask what you’re doing, tell them you’re reading the subtitles.
15. Storm the beach at Normandy. (Optional: or sky-dive into the countryside)
16. Speak English with a heavy French accent and pretend that’s exactly the same thing as speaking French.
17. Sing “Deutchland Uber Alles” in a crowded bar.
18. Ball up a sweater under the back of your shirt.  Apply for a job at Notre Dame Cathedral.
19. Watch an English language film subtitled into French.  Laugh in all the wrong places.
20. Insist the guy on the 50 Franc note is Rowan Atkinson.

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