All bike clothing is gay

I’m already dressed for the Pride march

I have a mental list of things I will never wear when biking, but that list is getting smaller each week.  The problem is that on a long bike ride there are certain things one might not otherwise ever consider.  Like that loose shorts chafe after a while.  Or that crotch sweat is an active concern.  Or that the spot where the bike seat meets my ass can actually become painfully swollen after a couple of consecutive rides.

There is clothing that resolves many of these valid concerns, but that clothing is… well, it’s really, really gay.  I say that without meaning to disparage anybody; it’s just the best description I can think of.

How I got to this point

I was fine wearing shorts and some basic wicking workout shirts to and from work when the ride was shorter, but once it grew to the current 17.5 I realized I was going to have to do something about my butt.

Now, there is such a thing as padded shorts, clothing I once mockingly referred to as “poopy pants” because, well, that’s where the padding is.  Plus the shorts themselves are the tight ones you see bikers wearing and can’t unsee even if you really desperately want to.

It was clear almost immediately that I had to get a pair of these.

Bike shorts shopping

[Warning: this section will be using various euphemisms for “testicles”.]

A couple of weekends ago we went to REI and I picked up a couple of pairs of off-brand padded bike shorts, which I did not try on.

It turns out it’s actually possible for bike shorts to be too large.  I didn’t learn this until putting on one of the pairs and biking to work and back, where I discovered that while they were tight enough around the thighs, my Bojangles were bouncing around just enough to be seriously uncomfortable.  The shorts also didn’t breathe.  And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like trying to pedal home with loose, sweaty Kiwis flopping around.

So I returned them the following weekend, meaning to trade the two for at least one pair of higher-quality shorts that were A: ventilated better, and B: fit.

I got something infinitely better and worse at the same time.

Bib shorts

Bib shorts are like regular bike shorts except they come with a sleeveless elastic top that leaves the chest area open.  They are impossibly comfortable, partly because the top half helps support the bottom half so the waist doesn’t need to be as tight.

The problem is, when I wear them– and I will not be providing a photo of me wearing them as long as I’m alive– I look like the gimp on summer vacation.  They are, yes, really, really gay.

Naturally, I am wearing a shirt over the top half, and I expect to always be wearing a shirt over the top half.

Unless it gets really hot.  And I lose another ten pounds.  Then we’ll see.

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